Why does conflict matter in church?

People come to church, or mosque, or temple to find a spiritual home, to touch that of the transcendent that allows us to understand and grow beyond our material lives, to find community, to find healing, and to find hope.

            The challenge is that congregational communities are made up of human beings, who are always incomplete, flawed, and imperfect. Often faith leaders expect themselves to be prefect, or feel that their congregants expect them to be perfect. The demands on faith leaders can feel impossibly heavy. This is not a healthy environment for faith leaders or their communities.

            Theological seminaries have had to change their training over the years because these heavy demands have led to increased suicides, alcohol abuse, and disturbing divorce statistics for new faith leaders, who also may leave the profession within *** years (** need citation). They now recommend that faith leaders work for balance, support, a good work-life balance, and allow themselves to be humans. When they don’t, the cost for themselves, and their congregants, can be high.

            Part of this expectation of perfection leads to either ignoring or denying the importance of conflict, which happens to all people, everywhere. As Dr. Stephanie Hampton Credle reports, summarizing recent research, “On a regular and recurring basis, church members experience conflict that harms them psychologically and emotionally to such a degree that congregations are unable to function and spiritual leaders are incapable of providing the leadership needed to sustain healthy organizational life” (2017, p. 19).   In my experience, the single biggest factor in shaping how conflict develops and plays out, and whether it is productive or destructive, is the quality of the relationships and communication of the people involved. This calls for self-compassion, compassion for others, humility, and is greatly helped by creating a culture that accepts and normalizes conflict. One of the best ways to normalize conflict and deal with it well is if everyone, at the very least all the leadership, gets some training to be skilled at communication and positive conflict engagement.

            Handling conflict well is a learned skill. We have rarely met anyone who is born perfect at dealing with conflict, (although some people are naturally more empathetic or emotionally intelligent – you may find some natural conflict resolvers in your congregation – look out for them).

            Here are some questions to ask yourselves:

·      Do we have a culture that supports openness about conflict, non-judgmental pauses to enable everyone to learn what’s really going on, and skills to handle conflict well?

·      Do we normalize conflict as part of every life and every congregation, making it natural to sit down and talk things out together?

·      Do we have a common language for conflict and common ways to work things through?

            If so, congratulations! You are way ahead of the game and very unusual!

            Here are some much more common scenarios. Do you:

·      Have a history of having major events that no one talks about or processes, that people today still feel resentful or sad about, even if the events happened many years ago?

·      Do you feel like your pastor is a caring person, but maybe feel they don’t acknowledge your needs and worries?

·      Do you feel like your congregants want you to have the perfect answer to every need in a way that is simply unrealistic for anyone?

·      Do you feel like the structures in your community, for instance the way decisions are made, or people are or aren’t consulted, or do or don’t feel like they have a say, are too top-heavy and disconnected from what a lot of people feel they need?

·      Or, are they too bottom-heavy and it is extremely hard to make any decisions because the decision-making processes keep being pulled off track by one or two people’s very specific demands?

·      Do you feel like people really respect each other and really try to be understanding, but that both the leadership and/or the community just really tends to avoid conflict and blame themselves leading to ongoing resentment and bad feelings?

            Well, if so, you have a lot of company. And if so, there really, truly, are ways to help your community to:

·      Re-think your structures, and/or

·      Get leadership and congregation on the same page, and/or,

·      Rejuvenate your culture of compassion and engagement.

·       

            We would love to help your congregation, if this is something you want. This is work we love doing and we love working with people of faith. You both deserve and can create the loving, supportive community that nourishes both your leadership and your congregants.

            Because I find it irritating to read these essays online that are clearly designed to sell me something, rather than solve my problems, here are some concrete tips:

            As a fist step, think about your culture, structure, and leadership. Usually, problems in faith institutions show up in one of these three areas. You will need to do very different things depending on if:

·      Your leadership feels really like they are not on the same page as the congregation or

·      Your internal structure (how committees work, how decisions are made, etc.) seems to not be working very well or

·      If the ‘way we do things here’ (the simplest definition of culture) seems to encourage conflict avoidance, back-biting, rumors, denial, cliques, etc.

            Often, two or three of these are happening at once. If you notice some of this going on, I again encourage self-compassion and other-compassion. It’s very easy for communities to fall into these patterns, especially in faith communities, where people may feel guilty for being angry at someone else and blame themselves, which can lead to denying the problem or papering it over, rather than dealing with it in a healthy way.

            If you want more resources, Speed Leas has written a lot about congregational conflict, and a short, easy-to-read piece is the Alban Institute’s Speed Leas' Levels of Conflict can be found at http://www.alban.org/conversation.aspx?id=1226.

            If, after doing some self-reflection, you want to think more about getting some help, we are happy to do a free, half-hour consultation. Wishing you all beautiful, healthy faith community time this week, Rachel Goldberg